Answer

Bedwetting is a behavior that has several causes and children attain dryness at night at different ages. However, it sounds as if your son has developed this as a new behavior and that you see it as a sign of his stress.

Children can regress to more infantile behavior patterns under stress but seldom do this "purposely," i.e. as a form of "acting out." Few 8-year-olds would choose to sleep in a wet bed and unless he is getting positive reinforcement for this behavior. It is likely to stop of its own accord as the stress in his life decreases.

So rather than try to deal with the wetting directly it would probably be more productive to examine the sources of his stress. For example: Are you and his father arguing in front of him? Are you bad-mouthing (do you express displeasure about your spouse to him, rather than "bad-mouthing") each other, causing him to have loyalty conflicts? Is the visitation schedule reliable so he knows when he will spend time with each of you? Can he reach each of you by phone or e-mail if he needs to? Are you able to focus on his needs despite your own anger/depression/new workload? Are you giving him an opportunity to tell you how he feels and what he wants so you can respond to his concerns rather than use non-specific "blanket reassurance"?

All these issues for children are dealt with in our book Don't Divorce Your Children (Contemporary 1999). Our Web site – childrenanddivorce.com – also contains articles that will help you work out strategies that will help decrease some of the stress your son feels. This is clearly going to be a difficult time for your family but keeping the channels of communication open between your son and both his parents is essential at this time.